first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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