last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
