You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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