Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
