i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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