I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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