yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
