The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
