I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
