1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
