hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
