i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
