Only a mothe r could love this liver
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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