i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
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HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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