You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
