The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Sorry about my life...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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