Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
