I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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