So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
