So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I don't deserve a penis
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
