he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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