Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
