Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
either way he was missing a nipple.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
