Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
