My hand turned me down
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
