My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
