I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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