Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
