Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
50% drunk capacity currently
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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