my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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