I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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