Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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