i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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