i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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