his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
