sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
