you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
