I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
