dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
