i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
