Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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