I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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