I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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