Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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