Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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