Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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