I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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