i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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