So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
