Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
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i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
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When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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