just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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