I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
