R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
