I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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