I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
