Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
