If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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